You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
