How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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