I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
