Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
