The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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