trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
