If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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