So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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