I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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