I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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