Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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