It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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