I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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