i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
