i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
