we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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