:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
