Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
did i walk over a car last night?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
