I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
