david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire