I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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