I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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