the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
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then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
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Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament