youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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