Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children