I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just want to make out with him forever
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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