tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
