Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
