how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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