I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
