I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
this hospital has no fireball
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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