His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
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I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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