No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
