I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
