oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
