I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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