I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
