Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
