This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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