this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
