We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Everyone says I win the strip club
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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