You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
