Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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