guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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