I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
