Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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