he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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