Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
