pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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