I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
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just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
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I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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