i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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