Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's never too late to be topless.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
