what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
