So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Four minutes until I can fart!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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