Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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