I never want to see another naked old woman again.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
