Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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