would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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