Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
