He uses pillows to masturbate.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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