My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My bed smells like the plague
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
