I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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